


He's Like The Sun

by BirdyBanter



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Gay Sex, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:33:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25339930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdyBanter/pseuds/BirdyBanter
Summary: But you’re wrong Starsky thought, he is like the sun but it’s his warmth that draws people to him. He keeps us warm with that kind heart of his. Starsky is the first to realize that he and Hutch could be more than best friends, but that doesn't mean he's the first to accept it.
Relationships: Ken Hutchinson/David Starsky
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	He's Like The Sun

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy the read.

He’d been awake all night, slumped in the most uncomfortable chair ever made. Sitting next to the still form of his best friend. Who was resting at last, recovering from blood loss and a fairly severe injury to his shoulder and upper arm. The consequences of this night and the neglect and recklessness he’d perpetrated against this man, his friend and partner was no joke. He was almost as guilty as the woman who’d put him here.

As he sat there he couldn’t get the image of that woman screaming at his partner out of his head. But it wasn’t the venom or the hatred he was remembering or even the wildness in her voice. It was the words, ‘Everybody loves you.’ Yes everyone did love Hutch, that was for sure. He did. He was fairly sure despite the bluster that Dobey was fondest of Hutch out of the two of them. Even Huggy favoured Hutch. ‘I love you too, Bro.’ Hug had said on one occasion. But even though Starsky and Huggy had known each other longer, Huggy had more affection for Hutch. It was easy to be affectionate with Hutch , he gave out so much – he deserved to get it back.

Starsky only left Hutch’s bedside once that night, as briefly as possible. He went while Hutch was asleep. The Captain had got hold of him at the hospital because he knew he needed to be there when they interviewed Diana. Starsky raced over there, siren blazing, he knew he shouldn’t use it off duty but this was Hutch’s would be killer they were talking about. He had to be present to make sure no cock ups took place and she got the punishment she had coming. He knew he wouldn’t be allowed in the room but he would witness the whole thing from behind the one way glass. And there better not be any mistakes. Or else they wouldn’t know what hit them.

The interview was anti-climactic Diana didn’t hold back and admitted what she had done and her messed up reasons for doing so. If it wasn’t important to hear it and make sure Starsky admitted to himself he would have been bored by her nonsense. But then she said something that struck a chord with him. 

‘Everyone’s drawn to him, he’s like the sun all golden and perfect and everyone loves him but get close enough and he’ll burn you too. You love him but he’ll burn you!’ She started screaming then at the glass. And Starsky thought it was like she knew he was there. She was disturbed but not stupid. 

But you’re wrong Starsky thought, he is like the sun but it’s his warmth that draws people to him. He keeps us warm with that kind heart of his.   
Starsky was sat next to Hutch’s bed the next morning when he woke up.

‘How ya doin’?’ Starsky asked.

‘Alright.’ Hutch said but ruined it with a grimace and groan as he tried to sit up a bit.

‘Here let me give you a hand ya big lug.’ Starsky pulled the pillow up behind Hutch’s back and helped him sit up. ‘How’s that?’

‘Yeah better. You look about as bad as I feel.’

‘And how bad is that, huh?’

‘A bit sore, I guess.’

‘And the rest but I meant, you know…you feelin’ okay, I mean not okay but-‘

‘I know what you’re sayin’ Starsk, and I’m not top of the world right now but I will be okay, soon enough, promise.’

Starsky wasn’t sure he believed it. To have someone you’d been intimate with do that to you in your own home. That wasn’t something you got over in a flash.

‘Hey, listen about what I…not hearin’ you out when you were tryna warn me what might-‘

‘Not right now huh Starsk, we can get into that later. I can’t play the what if and maybe we shoulda game right now.’

‘Oh. Okay sure whatever you want.’

They were silent until the sound of nothing overwhelmed them.

‘I got something that’ll cheer you up. She’s goin’ down Hutch for a long time. Attempted murder of a cop. And to prison too, no soft option. She’s goin’ where she belongs, behind bars.’

Hutch just stared into space.

‘I thought you’d be pleased.’

‘Hardly, maybe she’d’ve been better somewhere gettin’ proper help, treatment.’

‘Please tell me you’re not feelin’ sorry for her.’

‘No, course not…not really but I just hope she gets some help in there.’

‘As long as they keep her locked away that’s all that matters. I swear your overdeveloped sense of fairness and compassion is too much sometimes, she hurt you Hutch…she could’ve…and you’re worried about her.’ Starsky was exasperated and his fear was getting the better of him. 

‘Let’s not argue, I’m glad she won’t be a danger. We can agree on that.’

Starsky nodded. Hutch shifted uncomfortably.

‘Hey, can I get you somethin’, must be time for your meds soon, huh.’

‘Yeah, uh thanks, could do with them.’

A few mornings later and Hutch was able to leave. He needed rest and observation after the blood loss and shock but was champing at the bit to get home.   
‘I’m here to bust you outta here, champ.’

‘I’m raring to go.’

Starsky took him back to Venice Place but insisted on staying the night. He was convinced Hutch would be rattled being back where it had all gone down. He was also certain that there would be nightmares. He’d had a few himself, when he’d gone home to sleep. He’d only stayed the first night, at the hospital to make sure Hutch was out of danger. He’d shouted Hutch’s name into the silence of his apartment the last couple of nights. His guilt about letting Hutch down keeping him from a peaceful sleep, that and the thought of losing his partner. So he was sure Hutch would need him close by to scare away monsters. 

As it happened there were no nightmares. Perhaps because Hutch was so exhausted from the broken nights he’d had at the hospital. He was never undisturbed, and the noise most nights would have kept the soundest sleeper awake. Plus, Starsky had noticed how Hutch would flinch whenever one of the nurses, a small woman with dark hair the same shade as Diana’s, would come to administer meds and check his pulse. Starsky had subtly asked if it was possible to have a different nurse and so on Hutch’s last day in there she had been replaced by a tall blonde, fitting Starsky had thought. But after that first night went smoothly some might have thought they were home free but not Starsky. So when Hutch sent him home the next night insisting he was a ‘big boy’ and would be ‘just fine’ his buddy wasn’t fooled and half an hour after being dismissed he returned using the spare key Hutch had given him ages ago. 

He’d been lying on the sofa so long he’d fallen sound asleep, but the agonized cry woke him as surely as a bucket of ice water. He nearly tripped on the coffee table on his way round to Hutch’s bed. When he got there Hutch had his arms out in front of him, in the air, fending of an imaginary attacker.

‘I’m sorry…sorry…please, please…don’t…’ Hutch pleaded.

Starsky stood frozen for a moment aware it wouldn’t be the best idea to wake his friend too suddenly. In a swift manoeuvre he pushed Hutch’s arms to the side with one hand and pushed his lower back with the other until Hutch was lying on his good arm and shoulder and enabling Starsky to get in behind him. He put his arm gently round Hutch’s waist with one arm and pulled himself close so Hutch’s back could rest against his chest.

‘It’s okay buddy boy…It’s alright, you’re safe I got ya…I got ya sweetheart, Starsky’s here.’ He was in a good position to keep up the soothing words, right next to Hutch’s ear. And with the arm that wasn’t wrapped around Hutch, he smoothed the damp hair from his partner’s forehead. 

‘Starsk? Starsky? She…she was…’

‘I know but it’s alright now. You’re okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you.’ Not again, not ever again. He silently promised. 

Starsky pressed a kiss into Hutch’s hairline and then another onto his cheek. He held Hutch until he felt him relax into sleep and realized, surprised and a little scared that he couldn’t let Hutch go now, no matter who asked and he didn’t just mean that night. He meant always. He wanted to keep everyone else away and it just be him and Hutch. Holding each other just like he was doing now. No woman, dangerous or otherwise, no one else just them.

Starsky woke up with his arms still around Hutch and he could tell by the way Hutch was tensed up that he was awake too. For a while probably, he wanted to know how long, if Hutch had slept much at all but he wouldn’t ask. 

‘Hey, buddy, you awake?’ He asked instead.

‘Yeah.’ Hutch croaked out his voice sounding dessert dry.

‘You need anything for the pain or maybe something to eat I can make something.’

‘No I’m good.’ Hutch replied but the way he tightened his hold on the arm Starsky had round him told its own story.

‘We’ll just lie here for a bit then, yeah?’

Hutch stayed silent. It was clear neither were headed back to sleep and Starsky felt compelled to say something. He could have held onto it wouldn’t have been the first time he kept something big to himself. Like the true heartbreak he felt at his Father’s murder, until it came out in other ways, so destructive it got him sent away. He had that same dread now, the fear he’d carried round for years. He could never survive being sent away again but he couldn’t survive keeping this to himself either. It would potentially destroy them either way. The truth or silencing it. 

‘Hutch? I…I need something from you.’

Hutch was still quiet.

‘This is important Buddy, you gotta listen and then I need you to swear.’

Hutch still didn’t respond.

‘Okay, I’ll just say it but then you have to speak, coz I need your word…I need you to promise it’ll just be us for a while, me and you. I know this is gonna sound silly but I can’t lose you, I know that’s what we both risk every day but I can’t lose you to someone…something like that. A risk that isn’t necessary. I’ve lost like that before and I…I can’t…and we don’t always have to be with women, do we? We can take a break for a while. Hang out a bit more, relax…just be. We’ll have each other for company so we’ll be fine. And I’m not just askin’ it of you. I won’t either. So Babe, can you…you promise me that, just you and me for a while?’

Hutch just tried to move but didn’t speak.

Starsky held on tighter. ‘No Hutch, no…I can’t let you up yet. I need you to say it. I’ll wait here all day if I gotta. You don’t have to talk about anything, I won’t push you on your feelings, how it’s all affected you because I can guess but I do need you to promise.’

Hutch let out a long sigh. ‘Yeah, promise. You and me and no one else.’

‘Good.’ Starsky said and leaned over to put a light kiss on Hutch’s cheek. Then he let Hutch go and Hutch got up slowly, regained his equilibrium and then went to the bathroom. As the door closed Starsky said to the empty room, ‘We’ll be just perfect partner, don’t need women to hurt us. We’ll be fine just the two of us.’ 

It was too good to be true so he should’ve known better. It was always going to crash and burn like all his other attempted relationships. It didn’t help that Hutch had gone from humouring him in his heartbreak to going back to the tough love he’d gotten from him from the moment he started having feelings for Rosey. Sure it was a bad idea from the start mixing work with the personal had never been a recipe for success but didn’t Hutch understand he couldn’t help it, it wasn’t like he planned it. 

Hutch was out for the night, who knew where and so Starsky was happily indulging in a pity party for one, the best kind. He was slumped across the sofa, beer in hand, drowning the sorrows he refused to admit were self-inflicted.

The wild knocking on the door woke him from the start of a well-earned hang over. But before he could even get up Hutch was standing over him having lost patience and let himself in with his own key. The one Starsky was currently regretting giving him. 

‘You look as bad as I feel.’

‘I doubt you could feel this bad.’ Starsky said through his cotton wool mouth.

‘I’m making coffee and then we’re gonna have a chat about what’s goin’ on here. That thing we’ve been avoiding, we need to bring it into the open.’

Starsky wasn’t up for this and it didn’t sound like a good idea.

Starsky wasn’t sure how it happened but he was lying on his side in his bed and Hutch was wrapped around him. His mouth was at Starsky’s ear. ‘You feel so good, so hot, gonna fuck you good, fuck you all night, babe…over and over, never wanna stop.’ And Hutch was moving in and out slowly, gently and it felt wonderful to Starsky. The night couldn’t get better but then Hutch thrust harder and faster. Starsky was lifted up and the hand that wasn’t holding him tight snuck under and round to grab hold of him. Hutch’s hand manipulated his cock. He was torn apart with a tug of war of pleasure. He came hard hearing Hutch’s ecstasy ringing in the ear nearest Hutch’s mouth. It was perfection. 

Starsky woke feeling magnificent, if a little sore. He turned over to study Hutch. The man was still sound asleep. He had the urge to wake him. He felt empty and wanted another round, to be filled again. But he looked so peaceful and content, with a sweet smile on his face like he was having a beautiful dream. Starsky decided he could let him have a bit longer. Besides food was in order and would help with the headache that he was sure would be on him full force before long.

He was happily pottering about in the kitchen when the phone rang, he rushed to answer it not wanting Hutch to wake, he wanted the pleasure of waking him. 

‘ ‘Lo.’ He said sounding as cheerful as he felt.

‘Oh…you, you sound good David. I thought…are you good?’

‘Rosey?’ It was the last person he expected.

She didn’t reply, so he rushed on.

‘I…I um…I guess I am.’ He felt like an idiot. She ditched him why was he being apologetic?

‘If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’d moved on already. Have you David?’

‘Well I-‘

‘No don’t answer that…of course you have another woman. I mean it’s been what? Two weeks…men like you don’t wait around when they can take their pleasure. Forget I called, I’ll let you get back to her.’

‘Rosey wait!’ But she had already hung up. ‘Shit!’ Starsky said to no one in particular. 

It wasn’t a woman Starsky thought, it was a man. And not any man – Hutch. But Starsky was always the one who took pleasure and he provided it too. He liked to light up the person he was with, they lit him up too, but he made it happen. He wasn’t taking his pleasure as a man like Rosey thought. He was the man another man was taking pleasure from. That thought, the thought of being another man’s pleasure made him not just uneasy but also queasy. He rushed for the bathroom and emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. He flushed, brushed his teeth and started a long, cleansing shower. 

Hutch joined Starsky in shower and wrapped his arms around him. Starsky was so lost in thought he didn’t react. Hutch started kissing his neck. 

‘I thought you’d never wake up.’ Starsky said.

‘You know me Gordo, after years on stakeouts with you I’ve learned to sleep through just about everything.’ 

Starsky made a non-comital noise. Hutch continued caressing and kissing up and down Starsky’s neck.

‘You’re so beautiful babe…I’m sorry.’

‘Huh?’

‘I made a promise I didn’t keep but I’m here now darlin’.’

Then hands were skimming down his back and over his buttocks, and a finger went inside him. ‘Nice and ready for me. So sexy.’ And before Starsky could speak Hutch slipped inside him, quickly all the way. He was gently turned so he could hold onto the wall. ‘Hold on tight darlin’.’ Hutch said. 

Starsky tried to ignore the pleasure and tried to concentrate on what Hutch was doing to him, that he was at his mercy, not in control, not the one taking the pleasure. But it did feel good and was over too soon or maybe not soon enough. How can something feel so good when it’s so wrong? It felt right to him but it was wrong, so wrong. 

Hutch had stepped back, left him and Starsky hadn’t wanted him to pull out, because that meant letting everything else in all the fear and the doubt. He thought Hutch might have got out of the shower but then warm hands, soapy hands were on him. Washing his shoulders, back, then chest, down to his genitals and round to the back and down, his buttocks and then the crease and in to his…just fingers and they were circling. He can’t want more Starsky thought. A finger swirled round but not inside. Teasing? No more like massaging. Suddenly he couldn’t take it anymore, he swung round.

‘What are you doin’, huh, gettin’ rid of the evidence? So no one knows what you did.’ He spat it with such anger and was so consumed with it he completely missed the look of hurt on Hutch’s face caused by his sudden violent outburst. 

Starsky jumped out of the shower, grabbed a robe to put on and rushed out of the bathroom. Hutch turned off the shower, grabbed a towel and rushed after him.

‘What the hell’s wrong with you?’ Hutch shouted his own anger rising. 

‘What’s wrong with you more like.’ Starsky shot back.

‘You… you’re actin’ like I forced you or something.’

‘You didn’t exactly ask did you. You just assumed.’

‘Well, you weren’t complaining, havin’ a great time or do you normally go off like that? Screamin’ my name so loud, I bet the whole street heard.’

‘You should have…have asked permission.’

‘Permission?’

‘Yes.’

‘You didn’t tense up, pull away, tell me to stop. If you had, do you really think I would have ignored it?’

‘I didn’t say yes.’

‘Maybe not that word, no but you showed what you wanted…you kissed me first for pete’s sake.’

‘What?’

‘We were fighting in the living room about what’s goin’ on with us and then suddenly you kissed me.’

‘Had to shut you up somehow.’

‘Don’t give me that. We kissed for ages, your tongue in my mouth for most of it. Touched each other plenty out here before we got in there. And I asked you, said I wanted you…and you nodded and smiled at me. And you’re telling me all that was you sayin’ no.’

‘It shouldn’t have gone that far.’

‘So you’re havin’ second thoughts, is that it? Well let me tell you somethin’ that don’t give you the right to act like I…’

‘Yeah?’

‘Like I r-raped you. Coz I didn’t, I never would. I couldn’t do somethin’ like that especially to you and you know it. Why are you doin’ this to me, huh? When all this was your idea in the first place. You can’t really think I forced you.’

The pain on Hutch’s face was so deep and it was too cruel and Starsky knew he had to stop it.

‘No, I…not like that but I…I don’t think we…hey what do you mean it was all my idea?’

‘You started something with us…after Diana when you said it would just be us, didn’t need anyone else, no women…you got me to promise, and then first chance you get, you take it and go with Rosey and make an idiot of yourself with her to top it off.’

‘So this was about jealousy? Or me breakin’ a pact or what?’

‘It’s about you wanting it as much as me, more – you started it and last night and this morning you met me thrust for thrust, moan for moan, you called my name, chanted it. Loved every minute of it and we both know it. You enjoyed it as much as I did. You wanted me and now you’re just runnin’ scared and wasn’t that what the Rosey thing was all about in the first place. You wanted this; it was your idea so stop pushin’ the blame on me.’

‘This isn’t about blame Hutch.’

Hutch let out a harsh laugh. ‘Isn’t it? a minute ago I was no better than the scum we drag off the street. A pervert takin’ advantage.’

‘I never said that-‘

‘Didn’t you?’ What’s all this about anyway. I was willing to give that to you too, I would have, and if I had you wouldn’t be like this would ya? No, you’d’ve wanted seconds and thirds and not expected me to want it from you. You’d have taken it from me willingly enough. Because then it wouldn’t have affected your bullshit macho pride. It’d be alright for your partner to get fucked and you wouldn’t have expected a peep of complaint from me, would ya? You’d have taken your pleasure and ignored everything else. Your problem is you can dish it out but can’t take it. Well I thought you took my love, not just my sex. But I guess my naive farm boy’s showing again. I thought I killed him years ago, but you made sure he could never come back.’

‘Hutch I didn’t mean to…I do care but this is-‘

‘Forget it Starsk, just forget it. If you can’t give like I’m willing to, if you don’t want an equal partnership. I think maybe you’re right and this was a mistake.’

With that Hutch stormed off to the bedroom. He came out with his shirt part way done up, carrying his boots and doin’ up the fly to his jeans.

‘Hutch you don’t have to go.’

‘I think I do, there’s nothing left to say.’ Hutch said dropping his one boot while he tugged the other on. 

‘Hutch?’ Come on.’ Starsky tried again.

Hutch tugged on the other boot and then stood up.

‘It’s over Starsky, so there’s nothin’ left to say.’

‘What? What do you mean?’ Starsky who’d slumped down onto the sofa jumped up realizing he might have ruined everything.

‘I said it’s over, finished, done,’ Hutch said striding to the door.

‘Wait.’ Starsky was panicking he went to grab Hutch’s arm but was roughly shrugged off.

‘No Starsky, you destroyed it, us. It’s ruined, your stupid macho crap, ruined everything. Well you don’t need to worry about your damaged masculinity. We’re done, we are so over. Because right now you disgust me.’ Hutch’s lip curled as he snarled the end of the sentence. He rushed down the steps and was in his car and off into the night before Starsky could form another word of protest.

Starsky was left wondering if he had in fact ruined everything including the friendship and partnership. He could have been so happy, he was, and he ruined the most complete happiness he’d ever felt and for what? Because it felt too good and it shouldn’t have. Or maybe he didn’t deserve it, the way he just behaved proved that. 

As he lay in bed that night, he knew he’d treated Hutch unfairly and as he thought about that a sudden fear clutched at his heart. If he had fallen so hard for Rosey in just a few days and taken it so hard when she left him, how hard would it be to get over Hutch. He’d loved him for years. How long would it take to stop feeling this terrible ache inside? And he realized the answer was forever. He would never stop feeling it. 

Starsky was surprised, though he really shouldn’t have been. You push someone away; you can’t expect them to remain standing next to you like nothing happened. It was the morning after what he would always think of as ‘that night.’ He drove into work alone, Hutch wouldn’t have wanted to see him before work, would he? Straight away he was called into Dobey’s office and informed that Hutch had taken a leave of absence and he would be riding a desk until his partner’s return. After work he went over to Venice Place and banged on the door wanting answers. The problem between them was personal but Hutch had let it affect the professional and that wasn’t on. Starsky hated paperwork. When he didn’t get an answer he let himself in. After a quick search he was able to determine that Hutch’s suitcase and some clothes were missing. So Hutch had left town. If that was how he wanted to play it fine.

He went to The Pits, just for a drink he told himself and to hang out with Huggy. Definitely not to drown his sorrows. But Huggy had something for him, a note from Hutch. It was short and in no way sweet. 

Starsk,

I told myself you deserved this much, but I’m not sure that’s how I feel. I have taken some leave, quit town for a while. I’m not sure how long, truth is I might not come back.

Hutch

Starsky read it over and over and fought the tears before angrily screwing it up. How dare he, how dare he throw everything away like that over what, some stupid mistake of a night. Their friendship, their partnership meant so little to him that he could just dispose of it. Then a cruel but honest voice at the back of his head said, ‘he didn’t throw it way, you did.’ Starsky proceeded to try and drown that voice. 

It wasn’t for another three weeks that Hutch returned but he wasn’t alone. He’d meet someone. Sarah a British girl on a trip across America. He’d convinced her to stop her travels and enjoy the delights of Bay City. Starsky knew there was only one ‘delight’ needed to persuade this girl to stay put. Hutch had returned more tanned and somehow blonder than when he left. For someone who was supposed to be angry and hurt he actually looked fine, too fine. He was happy in fact. And smitten too. 

Starsky got used to Hutch’s new relationship, he thought Sarah was a nice girl. And one night when they were on a double date, Hutch and Sarah and Starsky and whatsherface. A few days later he couldn’t even remember her name. But it was that night as he watched Sarah and Hutch dancing and Hutch had looked up from her shoulder and smiled at him. Yes that was the moment he realized how easily things could change. Hutch was content and at first Starsky’s only feeling was relief. They could go back to how they were before. The good, no the best of friends and most loyal of partners. No physical relationship to complicate things. 

But then a pang of something hit him. He would be pushed out if Hutch and Sarah got any closer. He could tell himself they’d still be friends and he knew they would but Hutch would be someone else’s. Someone else would have the top spot. Hutch would never be his, not his. But that was okay, they’d still be partners. And anyway, he’d made that choice, he didn’t want Hutch that way, did he?

But it only got worse, Sarah started talking about returning home after some more travel of course. But she wanted Hutch to come with her. And worse still she started making noises about how dangerous being a cop was and that she didn’t like the idea of Hutch getting hurt. That would have been bad enough, but she began to get to Hutch. He told Starsky it wasn’t like with Van when most of the complaints revolved around the lack of status and of course the bad pay. No Sarah had valid points, Hutch told him, about other jobs that could help people, ones without as much personal risk, not so hard on the heart or as thankless a task.

Even Starsky had to agree grudgingly with a few of her points. But what was of real concern was that he could tell Hutch was on his way to being convinced that what was best for him was a new kind of life with Sarah and an ocean away from Starsky. And if that happened Starsky would lose the best partner a guy could ask for and just because he was afraid of Hutch becoming his partner in all things. What an idiot. 

It was a few months later when Sarah returned to England and Hutch, thankfully didn’t go with her. But it was a close thing and they had been trying the long-distance thing, on and off again for months and months. She visited and on holidays he did too. But then the world turned upside down. Starsky was shot and Hutch’s world shrank to taking care of him. It was then that Sarah did her best to insist Hutch quit. And part of him wanted to, Starsky knew that but he wasn’t in the head space to make that kind of decision. So Sarah cut him loose.

Starsky and Hutch spent all there time together and seemed to grow closer by the day. Which is why in the days just before Starsky was due to return to work, Huggy was having a particular talk with Hutch. They’d had a nice meal and were enjoying a few drinks when Starsky’s tiny bladder gave out and he’d had to use the John. He only caught the end of the conversation.

‘I know that Hug, I know that.’ Hutch was saying and he tapped Huggy’s hand and went off to use the facilities himself. Starsky gave Hutch a look of query but Hutch just shrugged at him as he went.

‘What was that all about, Hug?’

‘Nothin’ just shootin’ the breeze brother, nothin’ for you to worry about.’

‘Don’t give me that, if this is about me goin’ back-‘

‘It’s not.’

‘Then what? Tell me Huggy or I swear.’

‘Okay I was just checkin’ in is all. Wanted to make sure you two…you know were makin’ time for yourselves. You catch my drift?’

‘No, not really.’

‘Geez don’t make me spell it out.’ Huggy looked embarrassed not a state he was prone to and the penny dropped.

‘We…we’re not together Huggy.’

‘Yeah okay…not like I’d tell anyone. I’m not judgin’ an..I’m a little hurt you think I-‘

‘We are NOT a couple.’

‘Okay, okay.’

‘Tell me you didn’t…what exactly did you say to Hutch.’

‘Nothin’ really, just seemed like you might not have had time for…well you know, and that it must be hard as patient as I’m sure he’s been, and that I’m good with your relationship, that he’s got nothin’ to be ashamed of…bein’ on the bottom’s not…ah, hell I mean, I just thought as a friend. It’s all love you know.’

‘What did he say?’

‘He’s cool you know. He ain’t ashamed. But maybe he needs to let off steam sometimes too. So maybe let him top sometime.’

‘Huggy!’

‘You’re right it’s none of my business. Sorry, I’ll stay out of it.’

‘No it’s okay just…’

‘What?’

‘So he didn’t um…’

‘He was fine about it. I mean sometimes he seems so angry, like he’s headed for a fall but what he told me, how he is. He’s a special guy, you know, really together, not ashamed, don’t care what people think. You got a good one there, don’t let him go.’

‘I get it, alright…he’s wonderful, I know. He’s a better man than me, okay? He didn’t even correct you, when he had every right to. We’re not together, haven’t been for a long time. But when we were, the two times we…he was on top, I was bottom. I’m the bottom guy, Hug not him.’

‘Yeah okay, I’m glad you said it out loud, I figured that’s how it was.’

‘You what? Why?’

‘You’re so twisted up about it all…and anyway look at him,’ Huggy gestured to Hutch as he came out of the men’s room. ‘The only thing better than having all that beautiful blondness under you, would be to have it all around you and in you. He’s a beautiful man, in all ways, my man. But knowing you, you’ll let a bunch of crap that means nothing get in your way. If you want my advice brother, take him and love him, because like I said before it’s all just love. Doesn’t matter who does what to whom as long as there’s love in it.’ 

Huggy got up then. ‘I’ll leave you both to it, do yourselves a favour and talk.’ He smiled at them both and then walked away.

Hutch sat down, ‘What was all that about?’

‘Huggy…he likes to knock sense into me sometimes…I think we should talk Hutch, about us.’

Hutch jumped up then and went to blot. Starsky got to his feet and rushed to pull him back. He grabbed Hutch’s arm and tugged until he turned.

‘Please.’ Starsky said begging with his eyes.

‘What’s to talk about, you couldn’t handle us, end of story.’

‘Maybe I was wrong,’

‘So if I kissed you now, you wouldn’t pull away?’

‘Hutch, be fair you know we can’t.’

‘Okay, put our jobs aside, you wouldn’t be comfortable with it even if we could, even if no one here cared. Hell, you wouldn’t want me kissin’ you in a gay bar, where no one else would give a damn.’

‘Hutch…’ Starsky whined.

‘And that’s the problem right there, you care far too damned much about what other people think, like you’d be less in their eyes, less of a man, less of a tough, macho cop. When all that’s bullshit, Starsk. Comes to something when you care more about what strangers think than what I or even you do. Unless you really are disgusted by what we did. And that’s the problem.’

‘No Hutch. It wasn’t…it was…’

‘Can’t even say it can you.’

‘I liked it okay.’

‘Very convincing.’

‘Come on, huh? I said it was…nice.’

‘It was beautiful, that’s what it was.’

‘Yes, I know. I do Hutch, I swear. It’s just…’

‘What?’

‘Doesn’t bother you at all, people callin’ us…queer.’

‘No it really doesn’t. After all we’ve gone through on the streets, had people spit at us and call us filthy pigs. I just don’t care anymore, why would I care what people filled with hate think. Are the opinions of dickheads like that really what you want to waste your time worrying about?’

‘No but…people we know, I…I mean what Huggy said, what he thought about you. Like you’re some fairy who’ll take it up the ass, happily from anyone.’

‘That’s not what he said, did he say something like that to you?’

‘No but that’s what it boils down too.’

‘Is it? Because just because we trust each other, and I thought loved each other enough to make love to each other doesn’t mean we’d do the same with just anyone. He didn’t think I’d let anyone fuck me Starsky, he thought I’d let you my best friend in the whole world make love to me. Big difference. At least to me there is.’

Starsky looked away, ashamed. Hutch just looked sad.

‘I guess it’s just hard to get my head around.’

‘Is that it, is that how you think? How you see yourself now? Is that why you can’t stand the idea of us being together? You think what we had was so ugly?’

‘No…no Hutch.’

‘But you’ll never be comfortable with it, will you?’ Hutch didn’t wait for an answer. He stepped around Starsky and rushed out of the bar.

‘Shit. Really fucked that up.’ Starsky said under his breath and then turned and rushed out of the bar.

He got outside and was met by a horrifying scene. Hutch was lying in the road, still and not moving.

Starsky rushed over and knelt down beside Hutch. ‘Hutch! Hutch! What the hell happened?’ He knew he really shouldn’t touch or move Hutch. His chest was moving so he knew he was breathing. He went to touch Hutch’s head gently and his hand came away with blood.

‘Someone call an ambulance.’ Starsky screamed. 

Huggy appeared then and taking in the scene he turned and went back inside to call for help. He could tell his friend badly needed it. And he hoped for Starsky’s sake Hutch would be okay. He’d witnessed some of what looked like a disagreement between them. And guessed what it was about. If Hutch wasn’t okay and the last conversation the two men had was an argument, that would be too much for Starsky to take. He really thought he’d talked some sense into his friend. Well, he thought, if this doesn’t wake him up nothing can.

Starsky was lucky he didn’t have to contend with what Huggy thought he might have to. And he had learned something. Hutch was released from the hospital the morning after the accident. He had a couple of bruised ribs, a fractured wrist and a concussion. That was the worrying part because he took a while to come round, that was why he had to stay under observation until 11am the following day. He was still fuzzy headed and Starsky hated firing questions at him but he needed to know what happened.

‘I was hit by a car, Starsk.’ Hutch responded slightly sarcastically.

‘I know that Hutch. But did you see the driver? Can you describe the car?’

‘All I can tell you is it was dark, a dark blue maybe. It happened pretty fast.’ 

‘Was it deliberate?’

‘Don’t know, head’s fuzzy…maybe I was distracted.’

Hutch’s memory about the accident and just before had been fuzzy from the start and while Starsky wanted Hutch to remember the accident he wasn’t sure he could get into the argument they were having when Hutch rushed out of The Pits. He already wished he could erase it, take back every stupid word that put a distance between them. He didn’t want to replay it out loud like he’d been doing in his head since he’d found Hutch on the ground, so still for a horrible moment he thought he’d lost him. He just didn’t have the heart for it.

‘Are you sure you don’t remember anything else?’

‘Starsky…I can’t think, my head hurts and I need a pill and to close my eyes for a while, okay?’

‘Want me to help you into bed?’

‘I’m sure me and Huggy can manage.’

Starsky hadn’t realized their friend had arrived. 

‘Door was open, let myself in.’ He shrugged.

‘No worries Hug, I gotta be going. You alright to take care of him, while I’m out?’

‘Sure thing, I’ll tuck the little guy in and he’ll sleep ‘til you get back I’m sure.’

‘Funny Hug, real funny.’ Hutch said dryly. 

‘Okay be back soon.’ Starsky said distractedly and left them to it.

‘Where’s he going anyway?’ Huggy asked moving to sit down in the space on the sofa Hutch made by sitting up. 

‘He’d like me to think, to shop but making inquiries most likely and quizzing the guys who took statements at the scene.’

‘Just as well.’

Hutch looked sideways and narrowed his eyes at Huggy’s tone.

‘What your mother never tell you it’s not polite to lie, especially to your nearest and dare I say, dearest.’

‘My mother wasn’t the best teacher, Hug. And fibbing can be the kindest thing to do.’

‘You know who hit you, don’t you?’

Hutch nodded slumping his shoulders.

‘Who?’

‘Diana.’

‘Diana…you mean that knife welding hussy?’

‘Yeah, the very same.’

‘And is there a reason you didn’t tell your partner.’ Huggy’s tone was accusing and Hutch didn’t appreciate it.

‘You’re really judging me for the lack of honesty in the partnership.’

‘Hey, I’ve tried to get that boy to be honest, with himself most of all. But you pair sure are hard-headed. And that didn’t answer my question…keeping him in the dark, could put him in danger.’

‘She’s not after him Hug. And he feels bad enough as it is.’

‘So you do remember everything about yesterday then.’

Hutch nodded again. ‘But he wants to forget.’

‘If he feels bad now how’d you think he’ll feel if something worse happens to you, because he didn’t have all the facts.’

‘I know Hug, but I just didn’t want to face all this again. I can’t believe she’s out. Besides he didn’t listen to me last time about her.’

‘No, and he still feels lousy about that. But you both know what she’s capable of now.’

‘I didn’t need to get stabbed to know that…it’s complicated Huggy. That’s how…that’s when things…things started to change between us, after Diana.’

‘Crumby timing then.’

‘The worst.’ 

Starsky stormed back into the apartment, slamming the door behind him. 

At Hutch’s flinch Huggy said, ‘Hey, bro take it easy, our man’s head here is still splittin’’

Starsky looked daggers at Huggy and then his angry gaze fixed on Hutch.

‘Did you know?’

‘Starsk?’

‘No just tell me, did you know?’

Hutch let out a long sigh. ‘Yeah, I knew.’

‘For Fuck’s sake Hutch. What’s tha matter with you? Why didn’t you tell me?’

Hutch just hung his head.

Sensing they needed to be alone Huggy got to his feet.

‘I think I’ll leave you two hot heads to it. But take it easy huh? He’s only just out of the hospital. And neither of you two fools need any more trips there.’ Huggy gave Starsky a meaningful look. Starsky gave him a sharp nod back. Huggy then left the two of them alone.

‘So go on then Hutch explain to me why you didn’t tell me it was her.’

Starsky started to pace. Hutch was silent.

‘I didn’t want to worry you.’

‘Don’t give me that. She’s dangerous and we both know it.’

‘You didn’t used to think so.’ Hutch mumbled.

‘What did you say?’

‘Nothin’’

‘No go on say it. I need to hear it.’

‘I said you didn’t always think that.’

Starsky stopped pacing and stared at him. ‘So is that what this is about? After all this time you’re still sore at me about that. I should’ve listened to you, trusted your judgement about her, I messed up, Okay? I got it wrong and there’s nothin’ I can do ‘bout it now. Or is it that you just don’t trust me anymore. Not with the important stuff.’

Hutch didn’t comment.

‘Shit Hutch if you don’t trust me, how can we be partn-‘

‘It’s not that okay?’

‘Then what is it?’

Hutch paused but then said, ‘That’s w-when…w-when things changed with us, after Diana.’ 

It was all clear to Starsky then. And he came to sit on the coffee table in front of Hutch. 

‘Hutch, buddy look at me will ya?’

Hutch’s eyes slowly came up to meet Starsky’s. 

‘Is that what all this is about, you brooding on old memories?’

‘Not so old now are they…not with what we were talking about just before I..,’

‘So, you remember that too now, do ya?’

‘Yeah, things came back to me not long after I came round.’

‘But you didn’t say anything.’

‘Well. I was foggy at first and then…then well I didn’t want to deal with it, things were messed up, confused enough without this huge reminder of back then. And quite frankly I didn’t want to deal with her again either.’

‘But stickin’ your head in the sand-‘

‘I know all that, can’t always be a cop, I’m human too.’

‘I don’t just mean about Diana.’

‘Yeah well my head hurts and there’s no point talking about that other stuff.’

‘Isn’t there?’ Starsky leaned closer and over Hutch and pressed a kiss to his lips. 

When he pulled back a stunned Hutch couldn’t speak at first. Then surprise gave way to anger.

‘What the hell are you playing at?! You…you bastard.’

‘Hutch don’t be like that, okay? You don’t know scared I was finding you lying there like that so…so still. I thought I’d blown my last chance with you.’

‘You have Starsky. We can’t just go back…and why would we? So you can freak out on me again. Thanks, but no thanks.’ 

‘That’s what I was tryna tell you before, I’m not gonna do that. I want this…I really want it, all of it. Hutch I’m good with all of it. You were right it was beautiful, I enjoyed it, hell I loved every minute of it.’

‘You could have fooled me, you’re still not comfortable with it. Everything you said before confirmed that. We can’t go back, I don’t think I can, not sure I want to, I’ll always be your best friend but that’s it. That was enough for us before and what I need now is a friend not another leap into a mixed-up relationship.’

Starsky wanted to argue the point but Hutch rubbed his head and said, ‘I need another lie down. Take me home.’

‘Not a chance, she’s still out there.’

His tone was firm and Hutch didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.

‘Fine but I need peace to sleep.’

Starsky agreed and then helped an unsteady Hutch to the bedroom. As he left his friend in there he wished he could go back to a time before he messed up the greatest love of his life because of his own stupid prejudices. There was nothing wrong with loving a man, especially this man. 

What had he been expecting anyway? Starsky thought as he lay awake on the sofa that night. He couldn’t really expect Hutch to just fall into his arms. He would have to work hard to get Hutch back. For now though he would have to content himself with being the friend Hutch needed. He didn’t need the complication of Starsky wanting more, he had enough to deal with. 

So Starsky would have to push to the back of his mind what he’d wanted since Hutch was released from the hospital. How had Huggy put it; ‘the only thing better than having all that beautiful blondness under you, would be to have it all around you and in you.’ Yeah that was what he wanted Hutch wrapped around him, inside him, but how could he convince him of that after how he’d behaved. It would take some doing, the timing would have to be right, and it wasn’t not yet but he hoped soon it could be. 

The next couple of weeks were fraught. Every day seemed to bring some new incident. Each more unnerving than the last. Hutch’s apartment was trashed again, like she’d done last time. His stuff ruined and this time she’d broken in because the key over the door was the first thing to go. The tires on the LTD were slashed. Threatening letters and photos of Hutch going about his day were sent to the station to taunt them and their fellow cops. One evil person was able to outsmart them all. One letter was even hand delivered. She was playing them alright and it was embarrassing how easily she was getting away with it. She had stolen the car she used to hit Hutch and then ditched it. And they had no other leads. 

They discovered that there was a mix up at the prison. Diana’s name was put on the wrong list. They had decided, like Hutch had thought all along, that a psychiatric hospital was more suitable than prison for her but somehow instead of the transfer list she was put on the list for release that day. A simple clerical error. Or maybe she had help but they couldn’t prove that either way. They didn’t know if anyone was helping Diana or not or where she might be staying. So they had nothing to go on. 

Hutch had decided to go home. He’d been staying at Starsky’s for the last couple of weeks and sometimes at Huggy’s to change up his routine. But he’d finally had enough. ‘I’m not going to let that woman keep me from my own home any longer.’ Starsky might have argued harder but for the fact that the latest information they had was that Diana had left town. Hutch had barely closed the door behind him and put on the light when a body launched at him. It was her and she was slashing at him with yet another knife. He pushed her off but she launched at him again.

‘Diana Stop it!’ He shouted wrestling his gun out of the holster after giving her a hard shove.

‘I hate you, I hate you!’ She screamed over and over and then launched at him aiming the knife at his chest.

‘Stop or I’ll’- Hutch was cut off as she made to stab him and he was forced to shoot. 

She crumpled and fell to the floor. There was no need for him to check her pulse he’d shot her in the centre of her chest. And he couldn’t bear to touch her. He sank to the floor himself and started shaking. His mind rebelled. This scene was too familiar. A woman shot in his apartment, with his gun, only this time he had been the one to shoot her, he knew what that most likely meant for him. I.A wanted to nail him to the wall and now they had their chance. 

He got up numbly and picked up the telephone. He had to call it in. He got hold of the one person he could report this to – Captain Dobey. 

Starsky had fallen asleep on the sofa, too wound up to go to bed. He wasn’t happy about Hutch going back to his own place. But his partner was a stubborn son of a gun so what could he do. The banging didn’t come as a complete surprise, he’d been on edge waiting for it for the last couple of weeks but the urgency of it had him up and rushing for the door as fast as if he had been wide awake on the streets. 

He put the light on and quickly unlocked the door and as soon as he did, Hutch fell through it and into his arms, seemingly unable to hold his own weight. Whatever steam had got him there had suddenly run out. 

‘Hutch, what is it? You okay?’ Hutch sagged in his arms answering his stupid question.  
‘Okay buddy let’s get you to the couch.’ He had to all but drag his partner to the seat. 

‘So what’s goin’-‘ Starsky cut himself off as he noticed Hutch was covered in blood, all down his arms and hands and smeared on his front and a small amount on his pants. 

‘Hutch, you’re hurt…how bad…lot of blood…’ he was talking to himself he realized.

‘Come on help me out…need to get this jacket off…assess the…’ he almost said damage and the thought nearly froze him solid. There was a lot of blood, that could mean…no panicking wouldn’t help Hutch.

He gingerly pulled off the jacket with little help but no resistance from Hutch. The man in question had yet to speak or communicate and that made Starsky worry about him being in shock. 

After pulling up Hutch’s shirt sleeves and cataloguing the injuries, Starsky had uncovered three deep slashes on Hutch’s right arm, a deep cut on his left hand and another long one on his left arm. He noted that most were deep and still bleeding, but not heavily, some would need stitches but apart from blood loss Hutch wasn’t in immediate danger. He checked under his shirt too but there was no other injuries there. He needed to bath the wounds, pact and bandage the lacerations and then get Hutch to a hospital. But Hutch was still unresponsive. 

‘I need your help here Babe. Need to get you to the bathroom, cleaned up some, then we’ll get you some proper help.’

Hutch hadn’t responded in the bathroom and now just looked too pale where he was slumped on the sofa, they needed real help. So Starsky picked up the telephone receiver.

‘I didn’t have a choice. She would have k-killed me.’ Hutch’s gentle tentative voice reached him and he moved away from the phone.

‘What’s that Babe?’ Starsky said sitting gently beside him.

‘I had to sh-shoot her. She was gonna stab me in the…c-chest.’

So, it was Diana, but then who else. Idiot, shouldn’t have left him, Starsky chastised himself. 

‘You did what you had to Hutch; I know that. To protect yourself.’ He patted Hutch’s shoulder; it was the only uninjured part he could reach. He wanted to hold him but there were too many open wounds. 

‘But this time…this time they’ll put me away like they wanted to last time.’ Tear filled, frightened eyes finally met Starsky’s.

The fear seized Starsky too. Of course I.A. those bastards. Simonetti and Dryden. They wanted their man last time, what if they got him this time. And Starsky had to make it worse pissing them off. Punching one and handcuffing the other. Well pay back was a bitch and his actions would come back to bite him. But more importantly to bite Hutch.

Starsky firmly but gently put his hands on either side of Hutch’s face. 

‘Listen to me Hutch. I will not let them take you away. I won’t lose you, not to prison…not when you’ve done nothin’ wrong. You hear me. We’ll get you fixed up and then we’re out of here.’ He released Hutch and thought frantically about where to get Hutch treated so they could escape after. His planning was interrupted by loud knocking at the door. 

Starsky looked at Hutch, whose face was a study in pure panic. He put his finger to his lip, signalling that they should stay quiet and hope they went away. 

‘It’s Dobey Starsky, Hutch called me. I know what happened and I know he must have had to but…he needs to answer some questions.’

Starsky looked at Hutch. Hutch looked back regret in his eyes but at the same time something Starsky recognized as saying ‘I had to’ He knew Hutch was a good cop, a good man. He couldn’t not report what had happened. He’d discharged his weapon, to defend himself against an evil woman. But a woman had been killed and Hutch would have felt responsible regardless of the justification. 

‘Alright Captain I’ll open the door but just to talk.’ 

Starsky opened the door and the Captain entered but he was not alone. Simonetti and Dryden were hot on his heels. Starsky gave the big man a look that said, ‘You traitor.’

‘I’m sorry but this has to be handled correctly, officially. If there was another way, but there isn’t.’

‘No, you could have come here alone. Asked Hutch to come with you. Instead you dragged along these clowns for the ride.’ Starsky could have kicked himself. Insulting the men who had Hutch’s fate in their hands was bloody stupid. 

‘When a murder is committed, the murderer usually gets taken in.’ Simonetti said already enjoying himself way too much for Starsky’s liking. 

‘It was self-defence.’ Starsky snarled. 

‘If that’s the case Hutchinson shouldn’t need to worry.’ Dryden piped up.

Ignoring the other men Starsky said. ‘Hutch needs medical attention Cap’n, I’ve patched him up but he needs a professional job, some stitches.’

Dobey looked at Hutch then, slumped on the sofa, ominously pale and staring straight ahead wide eyed with fear. 

‘He does look shocky and those bandages won’t hold up long. But we’ll have to read him his rights, he’ll have to be officially under arrest before we leave. And after the hospital we’ll have to take him in to be questioned. You know that’s how it has to be, Starsky.’

Starsky said nothing, just stated hard at his superior. 

‘This is what happens when women keep on turning up murdered on the floor of your partner’s apartment. What else does he expect.’ Simonetti spat the angry, taunting words at Starsky as he got closer to the man.

It was a big mistake because Starsky launched at him. After a bit of a tussle Dobey and Dryden pulled Starsky of Simonetti.

‘Don’t make things worse for Hutch than they are.’ Dobey warned.

‘I’m gonna get my clothes, he’s goin’ nowhere without me to protect his rights.’   
Starsky said staring hard at Dobey.

Dobey nodded to confirm that they would wait but was hurt that Starsky seemed to be implying that he wouldn’t protect Hutch’s rights whether he was there or not.

Starsky returned from his bedroom fully dressed but also holding a gun, as he got closer he pulled it on the men in his living room.

‘Me and Hutch will be leaving here now, and no one is gonna stop us.’ 

‘Starsky don’t do this.’ Dobey warned.

‘Get up Hutch, we’re going.’

‘Starsk…’

‘Get up Hutch. I ain’t losin’ you. It can’t go down like this. I let you go once…let you down. Won’t let you go again…can’t let ‘em have you.’ 

Dobey wasn’t sure what Starsky was talking about but he could see the emotion in his eyes, a man on the edge. Nothing to lose, if he lost Hutch. And despite the deep feelings the hand holding the gun was steady. Dobey wasn’t often unnerved, he’d seen it all. But when it came to partners even the cop rulebook went out the window. And these two men were the closest partners he’d ever known. Starsky would kill to protect Hutch and no mistake. A noise of shifting came from Dobey’s right as Hutch tried to sit forward. He must have been hit by a wave of dizziness because he suddenly tipped sideways on the sofa.

Starsky sensed it the same moment Dobey did.

‘Hutch…’ Starsky cried but didn’t move, kept the gun trained on the others.

‘You were right, he needs help. We need to get him it Starsky.’ Dobey insisted.

‘You help him up Captain and we’ll get him out of here.’

‘Starsky...’

‘No Cap’n he needs a hospital but these bastards aren’t comin’.’

‘Starsky you can’t-‘ Simonetti started.

‘Give me one excuse, just one…it’s all I need.’ Starsky growled.

When Hutch had been treated and was resting comfortably Starsky calmed down. He agreed that Hutch would go in and answer questions, but he made it clear that if anyone tried to put him away they’d have one hell of a fight on their hands.

After Hutch had answered questions and given a formal statement Starsky was allowed to take him home. Hutch’s place was still a mess so he had nowhere else to go. Starsky held him all night, soothed him and reassured him that everything would be okay. It was comfort and that was all. It was all Hutch would accept and the timing wasn’t right for anything else. And even the promises Starsky made about keeping him safe from now on, he wasn’t sure he could keep. Hutch was facing prison.

The I’A boys pushed and so the case had to go to trial. But he was not taken to jail in the meantime. Thanks to his exemplary record and the fact that he sustained injuries that pointed to his actions being self-defence. The trial went ahead but the charges were thrown out because enough evidence was collected to prove Diana’s threats and intentions. And as it was the second time she had attacked Hutch in his own home with a knife, the level of force he used was deemed justifiable to defend himself.

Hutch was a free man but not in the mood to celebrate. He insisted on going back to his place alone. Even though he’d spent every night in the lead up to the trail at Starsky’s place (Hutch in the bed, Starsky on the couch). He said he needed to go back home and have some time to himself. 

Starsky found himself at Huggy’s in need of some comfort from a friend. Huggy sat next to him at a table at the back of the bar. 

‘He let me hold him Hug, that first night. I thought we were gonna be alright. Get close again. But he’s pullin’ away from me again. Worse than ever. Not that I blame him…I let her hurt him again.’

‘Hey, my man don’t go blamin’ yourself. She was one determined woman.’

‘She was evil and they could have taken him away.’

‘But they didn’t and now’s the time to make the most of that.’

‘I just want to love him, make love to him, yeah but I’m not scared of any expression of loving each other. I want him to believe that…I want him in all ways.’

‘So you okay with him loving you, in the way he did before.’

‘Yes I want him to make love to me, more than anything. I’m just not sure he wants me like that anymore.’

‘Well maybe you should start with thinking about it like this. Not you makin’ love to him, or him makin’ love to you but you makin’ love with each other.’

‘Maybe you’re right, Hug. Maybe you’re right.’

Starsky went home alone but determined to catch up with Hutch the next day.

‘Hey Hug.’

‘Well if it isn’t my favourite free man of the hour.’

Huggy came from behind the bar to greet Hutch. He hadn’t seen him since he was attacked. And he thought the poor guy still looked pale. He left his staff to see to the customers, he wanted to spend some time with his old friend and find out if he was really doing okay and not have to rely on Starsky’s second hand reports. 

‘I’m okay.’ Hutch said as Huggy gestured to the seat at the nearest table. 

‘Drink?’

‘A beer would be great.’

‘So how are you really.’

‘Truthfully? I’m thinking about getting away from it all.’

‘And by all you mean?’

‘I’ve been thinking about giving it a go with Sarah. I think a fresh start would be good for me.’

‘What about Starsky? And me for that matter.’

‘You know what Hug, he’s never gonna be comfortable with us. And as for you, you my friend will be happy if I am.’ 

‘It would be a nice change. But…and I know it’s asking a lot but maybe a compromise would help with your…um physical relationship.’

‘I know what you’re suggesting but I don’t think that would solve anything. I was gonna give him that, I want us to share everything. But I never planned on it being one way, so I’m not gonna have it all one way. If I give in to his fear and shame on this, I will on everything and then I’d be scared to wake up every morning to find him gone, because being with a woman is just easier. Maybe it is for both of us. We’d be bound to get enough shit from others without me taking it from him too. I love him but maybe that’s why I need to let him go and why he should set me free.’ 

‘Is that what you want freedom? You runnin’’ Starsky’s voice came from behind Hutch, he’d entered unnoticed. 

Hutch turned to him and said, ‘That’s rich comin’ from you, how long you been on the run?’

‘Okay I deserved that. But I want to try, to fight for this.’ 

‘It’s not supposed to be a battle. And I don’t need someone who’s gonna get cold feet at the first sign of trouble. Guess I got used to you bein’ fearless on the streets and in this I can’t have a-‘ Hutch cut himself off.

‘No go on, say it.’

‘Coward. Okay, I can’t have a coward. I need someone who’ll stand strong beside me, coz the shit I get from everyone else’ll be bad enough.’ 

‘I can do that. Give me the chance to prove it. I can be the partner you deserve.’  
Huggy got up then and disappeared out the back, doubting his friends would even notice. They needed privacy to sort this out between themselves. 

‘Until the next time it gets rough. I don’t know, with Sarah it’s good. This has been makin’ me miserable, for what? Two years.’

‘I don’t want to make you miserable, Hutch or myself, not anymore. I thought we might be gettin’ close again after I was shot but didn’t know how to make the next step. How you’d take it if I did. I know it’s safer with Sarah and I’m a hypocrite for suggesting the less safe option when that’s all I’ve been doin’. But you went back to women, more than I even did. This thing with us ain’t easy and we both know that but it’s worth it. I understand that now.’

Starsky sat down then, tired out and needing better eye contact with Hutch. If Hutch could read the sincerity in his eyes, maybe everything would be okay.

‘I’m aware how hard this is for you, always has been. You made sure of that. And you said that I know it’s hard but have you ever really thought just how hard it’s been for me. I’m not gay either Starsk. Never been with a man, not before you, not after you either. But you assumed it was easier for me why? And you actin’ like the whole thing was disgusting to you. Don’t you think that hurt me? We always got through tough stuff together, why couldn’t we do that like always?’

‘Your right and I’m sorry. More than you know. It was just easier to pretend, push you, everything away. Try and go back to when things were simpler. But it broke my heart and nothin’ helped. Not runnin’ after Rosey or…’

‘Kira?’

‘Yes.’

‘You never did love her, did you?’

‘No, not like I love you. And you showed me that. I was trying to deny something that could never be denied. It’s too strong what we’ve got Hutch.’  
‘Is it? I still don’t think you-‘

‘I’d bottom for you forever Hutch, if that’s what it took.’

‘That’s not what it’s about.’

‘I know okay, but I’m just sayin’ I’m not afraid or ashamed anymore. And not just that, I need you to know and understand that I want you like that, need you like that and in every way. And I don’t care who knows that. Hey Hug, come back out here.’

Starsky started to holler for Huggy.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m telling you Hutch, I don’t care who knows I liked you lovin’ me, fucking me, makin’ love to me. I’ll bottom for you any time Babe. I’ll say it in front of everyone, I liked it, I loved it.’

His voice got louder as he spoke and got the attention of the girl behind the bar and the few customers on the other side of the bar room. 

‘Okay Starsk, calm down. People are starting to stare.’

‘Let ‘em. I don’t care Hutch. I love you and I need you to know that’s all that matters to me.’ Starsky said the catch in his voice giving away his emotions.

‘Come here, before you set me off too.’ Hutch said standing up and opening his arms and Starsky went willingly into them heedless of any audience they might have.

‘I’m sorry for everything, but I do want us to be together.’ Some of his sentence was muffled by Hutch’s leather jacket but Hutch got the gist.

‘You sure?’ Hutch had to ask, needing to be clear on Starsky’s feelings.

‘Never been surer. If you’ll take the risk with me.’

‘You make it sound like you’re asking me to take part in a fire fight.’ Hutch chuckled letting go of Starsky so they could talk face to face.

‘Well that’s true in a way, I’m asking you to trust me to have your back on this.’

‘I hope that’s not inuendo.’ Hutch smiled.

‘No, but whatever way you want to take it. We’ve got each other’s backs from now on, I swear. You’ve always had mine. I love, trust and respect you.’

‘I feel the same.’ Hutch gently confirmed.

‘Okay, well how about we head home and get that alone time I think we both could use about now.’

‘Good idea. Just give me a sec.’ Hutch headed for the gents. 

Starsky realized then that Hutch needed to collect himself, cool off and maybe splash his face. They had both got a bit emotional.

Starsky was still waiting at the bar when Huggy finally made an appearance.

‘You missed it all.’ Starsky told him.

‘That was between the two of you, I didn’t want to get in the middle.’

‘Interesting?’ Starsky said raising an eyebrow. Then looked Huggy up and down with a leer.

Huggy laughed at him. ‘In your dreams. I think one man’s more than enough for you to handle.’

‘There is a lot to handle alright.’

‘Too much information, bro. Where is your better half anyway?’

‘John, he needed a minute to himself.’

Huggy looked at him questioningly, as if to say you didn’t upset him again.

‘Happy tears, if any,’ Starsky confirmed, ‘We’re gonna make a go of it, both of us are finally ready.’

‘I’m happy for you both. But I have to say you’re one lucky bastard if I was Hutch, I might be half way to England right now.’ 

‘I know and I couldn’t blame him if he did that, lucky for me he gave this tired cop a second chance. I guess it took a while for me, someone who always loved women, it was hard to accept that I’d rather have a 6”2, blond, very male man wrapped around me than any woman.’

‘You realize you just said very male man.’

‘I know okay, like it’s a surprise. But he’s like some story book hero, charging to the rescue half the time.’

‘And the other half it’s you savin’ him.’

‘Not this time. Had to save himself, lucky he’s good at that. And I was nearly too late the last time she…and it’s not the same anyway. He saved me, gave me back my life, nursed me through every time I thought I’d give up. So many times, I lost count. And still it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that he was my life. Nothin’ makes sense without him. And nothing else matters.’

‘Well you got there eventually. And I know you won’t take him for granted again. If he should ever need from you what he gave you after the shooting, I know you’ll give it. And I know you fought your way back for him. As long as you remember the love it’ll all be sunny skies from now on.’ 

‘I hope so Hug, and thanks for always bein’ a pal.’

Hutch returned from the gents then. And smiled at them both.

‘Ready to go home, Babe?’ Starsky said with a wink.

‘Yeah.’ Hutch confirmed.

Huggy watched as they slug an arm over each other’s shoulders and walked out of The Pits just like they had that night they met Kira. But this time Huggy knew his friends would be just fine. He knew where they were going, what they were doing, and who they loved and trusted most. He couldn’t have been happier for them.


End file.
